This is gonna be a little heavy for Friday. But I can't seem to come up with anything witty and light. I always said I wanted this blog to be an outlet for me to share the joys and growing pains of motherhood, and I plan on keeping it real around here. This isn't going to be a place where you find pictures of my perfectly put together house, styled hair, and new manicure. I can't fake it. This is me. Blurry photos and all. Real. Raw. And sometimes it's not pretty.
It's been 6 weeks since I became a mother.
A mother. I'm still overwhelmed by the immensity of that word. I left my old self behind and have been wholly consumed into another person's needs and wants. She and I, we are connected, we move as one. When she breaths, I breath. When she moves in her sleep, I'm there, hovering over her. She coughs, I'm there, reminding her breathe. Breathe. Breathe baby.
I'm Megan, Reese's mom now. The girl who loved to paint, read, explore, and dance in her living room seems like an old memory. Do we lose ourselves when we become mothers? Is there any of us still left in there?
This week I feel torn. Torn between saying goodbye to my old life, the one where I could afford to workout, get dressed with two arms and take the time to shave my legs in the shower. Torn between that life and this one. This life where she is first and foremost. She is everything.
Somehow society makes us believe if we say these things out loud then we are depressed. We feel ashamed and guilty about wanting to press pause on our life for 2 hours and grab coffee with our old self. And I do. I feel guilty. And I feel like the only mother who has ever felt this way.
I feel guilty that I envy my husband. When he is grabbing lunch in between calls at work. When he is getting 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep. When he can eat dinner, or empty a dishwasher or even start a load if laundry without a baby attached to his boob.
Motherhood is not always the seamless transition you think it's going to be. There are often a lot of growing pains along the way. And it's going to take me some time to find balance between the new me and the girl I used to be.
Before I lead any of you to believe I am locking myself in the closet and crying. I'm not. I'm just trying to get aquatinted with my new life as a stay at home mom. In a city I don't know. Where I don't have family or friends dropping by to help out or make dinner or check on us. I'm on duty 24/7. And I'm hanging in there.
My life before Reese, was good. But it doesn't compare to life with her, knowing her, loving her. I would give that life up over and over again to hold her in my arms. To watch her smile. To see her kick her legs around during a diaper change. To feel her snuggle against me at night. She is my world. My purpose.