Friday, 22 February 2013

A bit much for a Friday

This is gonna be a little heavy for Friday. But I can't seem to come up with anything witty and light. I always said I wanted this blog to be an outlet for me to share the joys and growing pains of motherhood, and I plan on keeping it real around here. This isn't going to be a place where you find pictures of my perfectly put together house, styled hair, and new manicure. I can't fake it. This is me. Blurry photos and all. Real. Raw. And sometimes it's not pretty.
It's been 6 weeks since I became a mother.
A mother. I'm still overwhelmed by the immensity of that word. I left my old self behind and have been wholly consumed into another person's needs and wants. She and I, we are connected, we move as one. When she breaths, I breath. When she moves in her sleep, I'm there, hovering over her. She coughs, I'm there, reminding her breathe. Breathe. Breathe baby.
I'm Megan, Reese's mom now. The girl who loved to paint, read, explore, and dance in her living room seems like an old memory. Do we lose ourselves when we become mothers? Is there any of us still left in there?
This week I feel torn. Torn between saying goodbye to my old life, the one where I could afford to workout, get dressed with two arms and take the time to shave my legs in the shower. Torn between that life and this one. This life where she is first and foremost. She is everything.
Somehow society makes us believe if we say these things out loud then we are depressed. We feel ashamed and guilty about wanting to press pause on our life for 2 hours and grab coffee with our old self. And I do. I feel guilty. And I feel like the only mother who has ever felt this way.
I feel guilty that I envy my husband. When he is grabbing lunch in between calls at work. When he is getting 9 hours of uninterrupted sleep. When he can eat dinner, or empty a dishwasher or even start a load if laundry without a baby attached to his boob.
Motherhood is not always the seamless transition you think it's going to be. There are often a lot of growing pains along the way. And it's going to take me some time to find balance between the new me and the girl I used to be.
Before I lead any of you to believe I am locking myself in the closet and crying. I'm not. I'm just trying to get aquatinted with my new life as a stay at home mom. In a city I don't know. Where I don't have family or friends dropping by to help out or make dinner or check on us. I'm on duty 24/7. And I'm hanging in there.
My life before Reese, was good. But it doesn't compare to life with her, knowing her, loving her. I would give that life up over and over again to hold her in my arms. To watch her smile. To see her kick her legs around during a diaper change. To feel her snuggle against me at night. She is my world. My purpose.
This is just part of my journey, bumps along a beautiful road. Bumps that hurt sometimes.

12 comments:

  1. It's completely normal to miss your old life, don't ley anyone make you feel bad for feeling that way. It takes time to find a balance but that is what you need and it will definitely help you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. 100% on board with you! Seriously it is a HUGE adjustment- I miss my old life all the time, and I am constantly getting frustrated with my fiance that he gets to leave before Landon wakes up and gets home when he is asleep, I have to carry the load and basically be a single mother. It does get better- but you will always have these thoughts then you will be staring at your daughter while she sleeps and realize this life is 100% better than your old one:)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Good for you posting what most moms think, but would never admit! My daugher is almost seven months old. When she was first born, I definitely wasn't prepared for what a HUGE adjustment being a mother was. BEST job ever & and HARDEST job ever. It does get easier, although a minute doesn't go by where I am not thinking her and her well-being. Life is definitely not as "free" as it used to be, and most likely won't ever be again! But it's true, when you look into her eyes ... TOTALLY worth it!

    PS - I still don't have time to shave my legs or workout most days. Oh well!

    ReplyDelete
  4. i could have written this myself! my baby is one month old and i am going through the same exact thing. your honesty makes me feel like i am not alone and you should know that you aren't either :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. As baby Reese gets older you will slowly find more of the old you...that girl is still there! And before you know it the two will meld together to make an even better you:) Trust me it happens.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh and somedays I am quite jealous that my husband gets to go to school and STUDY! I envision him getting to eat when and what he wants without interruption and having adult conversations...and I just about turn green with envy. And then I look at our kids and realize all the moments he is missing and the envy melts away...

      Delete
  6. aww :) I used to feel the same!! It gets better and better!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. This is such an honest post, and I can really relate to all of it. All I can say, is my son is six months old and it took quite some time for me to re figure out who I was , outside of being Christian's mommy. I can honestly say that it gets so much better, and you will wake up one morning and realize that the rough patch is over! Good luck, and thank you for sharing, this is so honest and I have thought all of these exact thoughts a million times over! xo!

    ReplyDelete
  8. It is definitely a like changing thing. We love our babies but it's so normal to miss the freedom too! You don't realize how easy life is before a baby huh?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh, Megan! You took the words right out of my mouth. Ellie just turned 4months & I'm literally just now getting everything 'straight.' I look at it this way-- years from now I won't remember how clean and shiny my wood floors are, how perfect my house was or even that I have every stitch of clothing in our house clean... But I WILL remember being truly present with my girl.. witnessing each smile, laugh, roll over, even fussy little cry. I was taking her 4 month "photo shoot" pictures today & I held her up in front of me a s could not believe how quickly she has grown-- all right before my eyes! The crazy part? My husband and I have only spent one night away from her in her 4 months of life... And I was almost guilt-stricken the entire time. However, I didn't/don't want to put my marriage on the "back- burner" so to speak because of my obsession with being present every single second, feeling like I'm going to miss something!! Although my husband completely supports how I am with her {and he's right by my side assisting} I've learned it's important to take "us" time more often now :). Longest comment in the history of ever... But you can bet your sweet ass that we are some harass mothers and have put any ounce of selfishness away for the same of our girls ❤❤. This post resonated with me ;) 100%

    You're doing a fabulous job!! I can totally relate on the relocation to a diff city-- I'm 4hours from my home city/friends/family/everything I've ever known! I'm with you, girl!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Kickass not harass.... Sweet iPhone! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm also all alone in a city with no close friends and family! Makes it hard when all you want is a break but there is no one there to give it to you

    ReplyDelete